Dear YouTube: Please Stop Shittily Evolving

We spend a lot of time on YouTube here at Internet HQ, and this whole forced integration with Google+ is maddening. No, we don’t want to sign in to Google+. No, we’d actually rather see the entire universe of comments, since that’s where the crazy is. No, we don’t want to use our real names, because the internet is built on anonymity-fueled aggression, and dammit, that’s the way we like it. This gentlemen captures our frustrations well. And so, we share:

[Reddit]

Freelancer Writing Gossip is to Monkey Fucking Football

Saw this in one of those free daily metro papers this morning. Don’t want to reveal which one, because I’m that embarrassed for the writer. I am left feeling conflicted, as it is both the shittiest and most amazing thing my eyes have danced across in quite some time.

Please take a moment to soak it in.

You may now proceed to the toilet, where you will have an enjoyable time dry-heaving. (Said nobody, anywhere.)

Reaching Across the Bile

Well the election is a wrap, and regardless of who you voted for or who you thought looked more believable eating a donut with a pipe fitter in a roadside diner while wearing mom jeans, I think the one thing we can agree on is that there’s work to be done. As in many moments in life, music can be the great healer. Let this song serve as an olive branch and unite both sides in the way that Wild Stallions always intended. Political party on dudes…

Up and Punning

As I’m sure most of our loyal fans around the world noticed, the site was down for the better part of yesterday, taking the morning posts with it. Once again proving that technological advancement is the scourge of mankind, and that Dreamhost should be renamed Shithost. BUT! We’re back in business today. And damn, we fired up. Strap yourself in and feel the G’s, spambots!

Just Say No to Halting, Inane Arguments Under Questioning

Obama, please fix this. You are flawed, but you are a man who values logic. That much I believe in. This is the top administrator of the DEA. Please remove her and anyone who shares her middling, simplistic, detached sensibility from the agency. It’s fine, don’t legalize it. We’re not ready just yet. But can we at least be smart about it?

via Reddit

Spotify Ads: The Top Ten Worst Lines

Anyone who’s spent at least 15 minutes with Spotify will glean two undeniable facts. One: it is a revolution in music consumption and sharing. Two: the ads are an affront to marketing, linguistics, and humanity itself. Below are the ten worst lines currently heard on Spotify:

10. You’ve got nothing to lose…but the ads

9. Who said food doesn’t rock?

8. Up-tempo floor-fillers

7. We’re big Scrabblers at Spotify

6. Piracy is so old fashioned

5. Sushi, Salad, and Rock ‘n’ Roll

4. You could call it work…but we don’t

3. We all love a list, from music charts to grocery reminders

2. No need to interrupt your groove to fill your belly

1. We’re keen inhabitants of the Twittersphere 

SOPA? SoWha?

Look, we’ve been getting a lot of frantic calls, worried texts, and urgent faxes this morning about SOPA and whether or not we are joining so many other sites in the fight against an Orwellian Internet. Allow me to be clear: we will remain active, unfettered, and content-rich all day. Why? Some say our existential insignificance would render argumentative action an affront the cause. Others say we’re lazy and selfish. I’ve even heard that we are, in fact, government agents whose light internet frolicking is but a mere disguise for an impending intellectual property crackdown. In truth, it’s probably a combination of all these things. The point is, we’re live, we’re ambivalent, and the next time you want to settle a bar bet about who started the French Revolution, we’ll be here, ready to serve you cat content, Simpsons references, and a whole lotta love.

Merry Giftmas

It’s the moooooost wonderful tiiiiiime of the…Oh I didn’t see you there. I was just carving the Christmas Song lyrics into my arm as I curse my brain for coming up empty on gift ideas for friends and loved ones. Or rather that’s what I would be doing if I had to pull something together without my handy Wheeeeeee 2011-12 (depending on shipping) Gift Guide!

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Beyond Trash: Labels Make a Difference

Yesterday I walked by a New York City trash can and noticed a guerrilla sticker that said “landfill.” By telling it like it is, this simple labeling shift was a stark reminder that a trash can is more than a object of convenience—it contains stuff that will soon be buried in the earth, left to sloooooowly decompose (or not) in a giant, sea gull-y terrain of toxins. If you think about it, the word “trash” has no inherent meaning; it could be called “tosh” and still occupy the same cognitive space. By changing the can’s “brand name” into something that suggests the impact refuse has on our environment, responsible thoughts are stimulated.

The Department of Sanitation should steal this idea and officially place such a label on every trash can in the city. Perhaps it would slightly reduce the amount of trash we place in those ubiquitous green cans—at up to 36,200 tons of garbage each day, even a tiny reduction in NYC waste would be significant. At worst, it would make citizens more conscious of their actions.

Bravo, intrepid sticker person.